I was married in 1992, though I was living a lie in so much as I told my Husband I was no longer Bulimic, but all that did was made me even more stressed and self hating as I battled with my inner turmoil whilst trying to behave 'normally'. We separated in 1998 and finding myself back living on my own, I was free to plunge back into spending my alone time binging and vomiting. However, by now I was 32 years old and realising SOMETHING had to change, I found a councellor near to where I lived and for the first time in my life, sat down to bring some sort of order to the chaos in my mind. Those first session were like opening up a filing cabinet bunged full of alsorts of emotional information in a complete mess. It was first time I got to figure out where my fear of becoming big came from, where my fear of being alone came from, why I was so insecure and also it was the first time I had talked to anyone about the rape half a life time before. They were painful sessions, BUT they helped me put my emotional 'filing cabinet' in order. At the very end of 1999 my Husband and I got back together again and almost straight away and unexpectedly I fell pregnant. I am ashamed to admit there were times when I was pregnant when I binged. I was having to face becoming bigger and I had no control over how my body would change during pregnancy. When Naomi was born, at first I found being a Mum very hard, I doubted myself and suffered for a while from past natal depression, but Naomi was SUCH a joy, she was my guiding light and became my strength. Again came the urge to get better, I wanted to be a better Mother to Naomi so I found another councellor and started my second sessions of councelling, which made me realise I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, but although the sessions had no impact on my Bulimia, they helped me make the decision to leave Naomi's Dad, which I did shortly before Naomi turned 2 years old.

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